On Grudges

Last night was one of my nights off. I slept very late . . . and then napped some more. It was a good day to do it, as it was raining cats and dogs outside. The air was crisp and charged by lightening dancing in the sky. And I had a marvelous dinner at perhaps my favorite restaurant in the world (or at least the world I've seen so far).

Then I went to Barnes & Noble (as is my habit and vice with any free time) and bought two books (9/28, *plus this gem of a CD). More on that later.

When I got home, the kitties appeared bored (this week I permanently shut off their access to one of the bedrooms in my corporate apartment . . . after having had to replace the fabric underside of mattress that they ripped to shreds), so I got seven toys out of "the cat suitcase" and tossed them about the apartment. The furballs started fighting over just one. The other unappreciated toys just sat there with tears of neglect streaming down their imaginary faces (like the sad scenes in all the Christmas movies).

Sleeping and shopping and eating and watching my selfish "children" play gave me lots of time to decompress . . . and to think.

Yesterday, someone (referencing the blog) asked me if I had any formal training in writing. It was a question that was actually framed in a very complementary fashion. The answer is no. But honestly, I think the writing thing is genetic. Both of my parents had the ability to put pen to paper and light fires with the sparks that flew from their ink.

That same someone asked me about "the charge" that I'm holding a "grudge" (I can just imagine who he's been talking to) . . . against (among others - especially the liars that run Randolph Hospital) the North Carolina Medical Board. I gave him some pat answer about (self)righteous outrage . . . and hypocrisy on the part of state regulatory bodies and politicians.

But afterwards, the question really got me to thinking about the nature of a grudge . . . given recent events in our local blogosphere . . . and especially in light of the stories told in the books I bought tonight.

I'm going to try and weave it all together.

It all started with a post at Ed Cones' . . . which featured a post by Sue Polinsky. Ed found this quote "interesting": "It’s one of those things you can’t easily explain to non-Jews: why do you have to have police protection while you’re praying?"

In light of what we are ALL living with in the wake of 9/11, I found the bit about not being able to explain it to "non-Jews" just a tad offensive. And, against my better judgement, I tried to state my case . . . even anticipating the nastiness that I knew would be shot my way by questioning the truth of the comment.

If I had placed a dinner bet on Sue's response, I would have won it.

An excerpt from my comment: I think it's easier for Christians to "understand" persecution than either of you comprehend. Both of you ought to check out the "Voice of the Martyrs" website.

Please note that (in any of my responses - even when provoked) there is NO "name-calling" . . . NO "my religion is better than your religion" (for all that I DO BELIEVE that Jesus Christ is THE WAY - it's one of the prerequisites) . . . NO "religious intolerance" . . . certainly NO hate . . . and not even one negative word about Converge South (Sue's baby). It was just a reasonable request to open one's mind to the notion that someone else CAN feel the pain . . . and appreciate fear.

Of course (shortly after her "heh-hehing" over at Ed's), Sue posted this poisonous gem on her blog. In it, our local Queen of Convergence projects every nasty thing she can my way . . . playing that religion card for all it's worth. Moreover, she placed (and says she won) some kind of bet on how I would respond.

But once again, Dr. Sue Polinsky was WAY out of line.

If she gets that dinner, I hope she chokes on it (not very Christian of me, I admit).

The problem here for Sue is that I'm used to this kind of crap. I'm sick of it. And alas, I am imperfect in the practice of my faith, in that turning the other cheek amounts to an advanced Pilates move that I have not mastered.

Sue's latest "bitchspeak" was very reminiscent of being diagnosed with "malignant narcissism" (a post of which Sue is apparently still proud) for daring to fight my fight at all. You see, "Dr. Sue", in all of her wisdom regarding human nature, does not understand why I feel that I am "entitled" to justice. I need to just "let it all go". Never mind that in her (perfect) world (as a businesswoman, mother and grandmother) the whole damned world is entitled to FREE EVERYTHING from the United States government (from healthcare, to abortions, to citizenship). But Dr. Mary Johnson (whose world isn't quite so perfect) doesn't deserve to see the system work the way it is supposed to work . . . and deliver the justice she's entitled to from a state and federal governments that sold her out.

I would not have known about this latest public knife between the blogging shoulder-blades, had I not stopped by The Blogging Poet's website (on a lark) and seen his response to Sue's post (you see, this time, I was not the only blogger Sue had in her sights).

Now Billy and I have had our ugly spats (although he did like my poem). But this time we faced a common "frenemy".

Billy is fighting gangs in Greensboro . . . mostly because they surround his house. I sympathize. the same things are happening in Asheboro . . . in large part driven by the economic policies of our small-town "powers-that-be" over the last ten to fifteen years. But the situation in GSO is apparently really bad (for all that their local newspaper Editor doesn't think so), and Billy has asked for help from prominent GSO bloggers (that "community" everybody keeps talking about). From what I can tell, he initially got a whole lot of silence . . . not to mentions Sue's very special, high-handed brand of snark. And he got mad. And he flew off the handle (using the "B" word). I really didn't blame him one bit. What's more I didn't think what Billy said merited moderation at Ed's . . . given what Sue said.

Just because Sue used "nicer" words doesn't make what she said to Billy (or to me for that matter) any less nasty.

Fec rode in and helped talk Billy down . . . people are finally taking some notice of the problem and menace Billy fights & lives every single day (one voice can make a difference) . . . and Billy has since apologized. I give him lots of credit for that.

But I've yet to see one conciliatory word from Sue. My concern there is that Billy's apology will allow Sue to think she "won" the blog-battle. And she will keep pulling these self-righteous stunts.

Now, Fec made a lot of sense, and I was not going to pick up this gauntlet again. But tonight, at Barnes & Noble, I picked up a new book entitled, "Infidel", the autobiography of Ayaan Hirsi Ali, a Muslim activist who spends every day of her life living under armed guard for being an "unflinching critic of Islamic extremism." I am preparing to inhale this book.

What I have read so far very much reinforces my original argument (stated at Ed's) that these days, we ALL can understand and empathize with fear. Fear is the great equalizer. It is NOT unique to any one religion or race.

Or "burg".

So Sue's original premise was just wrong. Moreover her response to me was unfair, and bigoted and REEKED of religious intolerance . . .

. . . and it definitely showcases a big grudge Sue still holds (otherwise I wouldn't bring this up) because last year I dared to question what went on at Converge South . . . from the political polarization of the event (Elizabeth Edward's appearance) to the mass release of a confidential police report.

Yeah, I know I didn't go. But it's a free country and I still can have an opinion.

It's old stuff. Dr. Mary Johnson (not of "the burg") is so over it. But Dr. Sue Polinsky clearly is not. Our local "BlogMamma" needs to clean up her act and set a better example.

There are two words that Sue Polinsky needs to learn how to say. They are, "I'm sorry". She's not the only one in this local blogosphere who needs to practice saying it.

Okay I feel better now. It's off my chest. And on that note, I want to address the notion that I act and speak (out against the Medical Board and other state & federal regulatory agencies) because of a "grudge".

Before I do that, the other book I picked up at Barnes & Noble tonight was entitled, "I Walked The Line". It is the autobiographical account of Vivian Cash's relationship with Johnny Cash. If anyone ever deserved to hold a grudge, Vivian did. She was Johnny's long-suffering first wife and Mother to his three daughters. But her story has always played second-fiddle to the love story between Johnny and June (I read John Carter's tribute to his Mother earlier in the year). Vivian (now deceased) gives a heartbreaking and harrowing account of "the other side" of that story. It also gives "Ring of Fire" a whole new meaning. But you'll have to read the book.

Where Dr. Mary Johnson and the NC Medical Board are concerned, I'm Vivian Cash, but not nearly as gracious or restrained. And I'm not going to wait until I'm dead.

In my earlier years as an M.D., I was gung-ho and going to change the world for Pediatrics. I loved my profession. I believed in its ethics and best ideals. And when I landed in my hometown, every dream I ever had came true.

But the dream had a dark underbelly. I'm not going to rehash it all tonight (read the links in the sidebar/search the blog/whatever). Let's just say, I can empathize with Vivian Cash fighting Johnny's demons. They weren't her demons. But they were killing her. And after waging a pretty good fight, she got thrown away like so much garbage.

When I was originally threatened (to keep my mouth shut about what was going on at Randolph Hospital "or else"), I was astounded. So were several of my colleagues. They all said, "They (hospital administrators) can't do that." "The Medical Board will eat them for lunch." "JCAHO will shut them down."

Two nights after the threat was issued, I got to test those theories.

As it turns out, nothing could have been further from the truth. After I was fired, I was legally pummeled by laws that always seemed to protect the bad guys and make it impossible for good guys/girls to get any traction. I got batted from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. I jumped through every hoop. And I got hosed over and over again.

The North Carolina Medical Board, especially, was no where to be found. They offer no haven, no protection, no safety. I quickly discovered that, as a physician, I could not legally stand on the ethical principles of their position statements. Unless you were a doctor, those position statements carried no legal or disciplinary weight. Sex, drugs and booze were their only real purview. Bad care came in a distant fourth . . . and generally somebody had to die. The Board had no real power (and really didn't want any power) to deal with any of the outside forces affecting the behavior of (and sometimes crushing) doctors.

That's why I'm taking great pleasure in watching the Board squirm now, as they try to take a very belated stand on the ethics of doctors attending executions. A judge recently slapped down the Board and told them they don't have the power to discipline doctors compelled by the state to "attend" the execution of a condemned inmate.

For all that I think the judge is an idiot (and/or cowering to a hidden agenda to get those needles pushing the dead-juice again), getting knocked down a few pegs is all that the lawyers who run "our" Medical Board deserve. I know this legal cluster-screw is far from over, but I'd submit that it's hard for the Medical Board to stand on ethical principle, when for years it hasn't demonstrated any.

When my six-month "notice" period at Randolph Medical Associates was up, and I finally felt "safe" talking to the Medical Board (I submit that I should have BEEN safe from day one . . . but protection for medical whistle-blowers in North Carolina is a myth), I filed a complaint against the Family Practitioner (employed by a Cone affiliate) who very nearly killed a baby with his arrogance and ignorance. I begged for help from the Board . . . a public hearing . . . some kind of formal action that would help me with a wrongful termination claim.

Because let's be clear. I was wrongfully terminated. Getting fired after you save a child's life and report it to hospital peer review (when hospital administrators have told you to keep your mouth shut or else) should seal that deal. Incredibly, in this "right to work" state, it doesn't.

Instead of champions on white horses, what I got from the Medical Board was six months of silence (it was "legally complicated"). That black hole was capped off by a short and sweet letter that said everything that was going to be done would be done behind the scenes . . . the other doctor would be informally slapped on the hand . . . we value your input . . . have a nice life . . . blah, blah, blah, blah.

When I complained and tried to appeal, I was told (very disdainfully) by the Board's chief legal eagle (Thomas Mansfield) that he was "sorry" the Medical Board could not help me with "my problems".

He said it like "my problems" were mental ones. Never mind that my "problems" existed because I did what the Board said I should do . . . and what my Oath compelled me to do. My "problems" existed because I put a tiny patient's life before my own career and happiness.

It did not matter to the North Carolina Medical Board at all.

I even made an appointment and went to Raleigh to talk to the Board . . . to get some kind of explanation for their determined apathy and inaction. I was quickly whisked to a room full of suits who refused to discuss the case in any detail. Never mind that, of all the people in the room, I was the person who knew the most about the case. The Medical Board had never bothered to interview me in person before they decided not to do anything. Now they were telling me that I had no right to know how they came to their decision!?!

A short while later, the Board asked for my input regarding another doctor at Randolph (his reprehensible behavior being one of the many things I was supposed to keep quiet about). I gave it. He ultimately was publicly disciplined. Not that the revelations ever helped me . . . or soften the Board's attitude towards providing assistance in my case.

In 2003, and again in 2005, I begged the Medical Board to help me refer/prosecute a case of perjury, contempt and fraud against Randolph Hospital administrators Robert Morrison and Steven Elbin. I've got the goods . . . in the form of sworn discovery responses: These two non-profit hospital executives, charged with the public good and supposedly held to a higher standard, withheld information and lied under Oath to minimize the damages they paid at settlement . . . and effectively killed any reasonable chance I ever had to rebuild the practice they destroyed. They irreparably derailed a doctor's life and career for all of the wrong reasons. And they have gotten away with . . . with raises to boot.

The North Carolina Medical Board and the state of North Carolina (supposedly so concerned about ethics) did/does not give a rat's tail. And please don't get me started on doctors' so-called "advocacy" organizations.

That's a joke.

Life often repeats itself. In 2006, I cleaned up another way-bad mess in another nursery in another small town. Once again, I reported the case/doctor to the Medical Board. The Board's investigators have thus far refused to meet with me to discuss the case (as a condition I have placed on any meeting is that we also talk frankly about what happened in Asheboro and what the Board can do to make things right). Moreover, they have done nothing to publicly discipline the doctor I reported . . . or inform the public they're supposed to protect. Meanwhile, another baby has died.

This past week, fed up with the stalls and excuses, I blogged on what happened. No names. No locations. But those who know, KNOW.

And the one thing they KNOW the most about is fear. Sometimes guns are not part of the equation (Sue), but the fear is just as palpable (and destructive).

Earlier this year, I wrote the Medical Board and begged them to exercise a loophole in the Medical Practice Act that would allow them to refer my case against Randolph Hospital adminstrators to the Attorney General's office for a full and proper investigation. For it is crystal clear that Randolph County DA, Garland Yates (who to this day has refused to even meet with me to discuss the charges . . . much less refer the case to the AG for investigation), is not going to do anything about important people who brazenly lie in his jurisdiction.

You see, Mr. Yates bears me a grudge.

(In the blogosphere that could help expose this garbage for what it is, Ed Cone holds one too. So does Kevin.)

Now, it's my opinion that Roy Cooper, in his capacity as the "lawyer" for NCDHHS, does have jurisdiction in this case. After all, I was a doctor in state and federal service who got state and federal money to come home and build a practice. Unlike the Nifong debacle, the Attorney General does not need Garland to ask for intervention. If ethics meant anything . . . and if Roy had any real balls . . . he would intervene.

But alas, I am not a Duke alumna.

As an aside, rumor is that Roy would like to follow in the footsteps of Hunt and Easley and be our next Governor. Wouldn't it be nice if we had leaders that, instead of kow-towing to power and money (or caving to their handlers), really represented the "ordinary" people . . . the kind of people who think they should be safe in a hospital . . . who think their doctor should not operate under threats . . . who think that non-profits are there to serve the public (and that their executives should not get to lie) . . . who think that lawyers, as officers of the court, are supposed to represent their clients diligently, but without perpetuating and enabling lies?

I digress. Once again, the letter was ignored. I got the silent treatment . . . and the shaft. The Medical Board quickly and discretely moved to change the law. They gave away their power to deal with outside influences. In a world where doctors need all the help they can get, the doctors of North Carolina can count on their Medical Board to dive under the boardroom table.

You gotta wonder if the Medical Board bears me a grudge.

Now, back to the question posed to me this afternoon. Do I bear "a grudge"?

A grudge is defined as a feeling of deep-seeded ill will, rancor, resentment and bitter anger.

I ask ANYONE with a heart and a soul reading this, if I did not feel these things, after ten years of this medico-politico-legal bullshit, don't I deserve to? As a former public servant royally screwed in that service, am I not entitled to justice? To fair restitution? To vindication and a front-page, above-the-fold apology published in the local newspaper that has treated me like a disease? To seeing Bob Morrison and Steven Eblin held accountable for their lying and cheating . . . to see them banished in ignomy and disgrace for their bad deeds as I once was for my good ones . . . without parties or parachutes?

We are, after all, talking about ten years of my life.

Isn't it the easy and cowardly way out to tell the world that I bear a "grudge" . . . after the way I have been treated by people who bear the responsibility to uphold the law and protect the public? It ranks right up there with the YEARS of silent treatment . . . with dismissing a good doctor - the victim of a series of white-collar crimes as a "whack job" . . . while ignoring the evidence she's gift-wrapped, over and over again, to so many state & federal regulatory and law enforcement agencies.

Every single time the North Carolina Medical Board was tossed a ball they could run with, they dropped it.

I'm beyond disgusted.

If, after studying and training for years and years to become a doctor (I remember every crack and crevice in one of UNC-G's library cubicles on the top floor . . . but hey, no ties to "the burg"), these things had happened to YOU (or YOUR CHILD . . . my parents had to watch all of this) how would YOU feel?

I dunno. Maybe the more politically-correct answer I gave this afternoon was better than this one.

But I don't think so. I think it's time to speak plainly and for some people in Raleigh and Washington (not to mention Greesnboro/Asheboro) to GET REAL.

(9/29 update) I'd like to thank those who have commented on this post - both on and off line. And, in light of Dale's (very astute) observation, I think it's appropriate to share one commentary on the divisionary line that Sue (and Ed) tried to draw:

"I guess Sue has never visited a mega black church where cops direct the traffic and guard the parking lot during services."

I responded: "Yes, well, it was kind of a glaring omission. But I did not want to bring that up (or the Klan burning down churches and murdering little girls). It would only feed the race-baiters.

Of course, that might get the story in the N&R."